strange allies, with warring hearts

That title means nothing. It's just the lyric I was listening to.

It's a monday afternoon. My brother was here today. B. I struggle, with him. I love him dearly, and I can't stand him. He makes me laugh, and he makes me cry. He makes me feel proud, and ashamed. Smart, and stupid. Loved, and hated.

I could go into it. But I'll spare you, reader. And by spare you, I guess I really mean spare me, because I'll start writing about it, and thinking about it, and I'll end up a puddle. And I can't be a puddle right now. I have a lesson in a half an hour.

I started thinking of the opposites of my brother, well weeks ago. You see, I have another blog, that he knows about. And I know that he reads. And I have felt guilty, at times when he would read that blog, and find out about any money I had spent to have fun. I feel guilty/bad/ashamed for even wanting to have a good time in this family. It has never been acceptable. So, I started writing this. I figure... less people will know. And, the ones who do, will either be total strangers, or ones who I really care about, and who really care about me. Because... sometimes, and with some people, it's cloudy. It is love hate sometimes even within my family circle. And that, is one thing I hate.

But I love to blog, and I love to listen to mixed tapes, which is what's on now. Along with a fresh pot of coffee, and a new coat of lipstick. All three things I have been in great need of since this morning.

And now, I realize... the title of this blog makes oh, so much sense. And it means everything.